A Summary of the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work

Marriage can feel like a wild ride, but John Gottman and Nan Silver’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work offers a roadmap to keep love thriving. Backed by decades of research, these principles—drawn from studying thousands of couples—reveal what makes relationships resilient. From knowing your partner deeply to building shared dreams, they’re practical tools to strengthen any marriage.

The blog summarizes the 7 principles for making marriage work, breaking down each one with clear insights to help couples navigate challenges and grow closer.

Why These Principles Matter

Gottman’s work stands out because it’s rooted in real data, not just theory. By observing couples in his “Love Lab,” he identified behaviors that predict lasting love versus divorce with over 90% accuracy. These seven principles aren’t quick fixes—they’re habits that build emotional connection, trust, and resilience. Whether you’re newlyweds or decades in, they offer actionable ways to deepen your bond.

Let’s dive into the 7 principles, exploring what they mean and how to apply them in everyday life.

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Know your partner’s world inside out. A “love map” is your mental blueprint of your partner’s likes, fears, dreams, and quirks. Couples with detailed love maps—knowing each other’s favorite snacks or deepest worries—handle stress better.

For example, remembering your spouse’s stress triggers, like a tough work deadline, lets you offer support before tensions flare. Ask questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or share small details about your day. Regularly updating this map keeps you connected as life changes.

How to apply: Schedule a weekly catch-up to share updates on your inner worlds—dreams, stresses, or even silly preferences.

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration

Cherish what makes your partner special. This principle is about keeping respect and affection alive by focusing on what you love about each other. Couples who regularly express appreciation—like complimenting a partner’s kindness or humor—build a positive foundation.

For instance, saying, “I love how you make the kids laugh,” reinforces admiration. Even during rough patches, recalling why you fell in love can soften conflicts. It’s about seeing your partner through a lens of gratitude.

How to apply: Write down three things you admire about your partner daily, then share one out loud.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Choose connection in small moments. Everyday interactions—like responding to a partner’s comment about their day—are “bids” for attention. Turning toward means engaging positively, like listening or offering a hug, instead of ignoring or dismissing (turning away).

Picture your partner saying, “Look at that sunset!” Turning toward might be, “Wow, it’s gorgeous—let’s watch it together.” These micro-moments build trust and intimacy over time, strengthening the marriage’s emotional bank account.

Read 100 Reasons Why Marriage Is a Bad Idea

How to apply: Notice bids—like a sigh or a funny story—and respond with interest or affection, even if you’re busy.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Share power and respect their input. Happy couples value each other’s opinions, even during disagreements. This means considering your partner’s perspective on decisions, from small ones like weekend plans to big ones like finances.

For example, if your spouse suggests a budget tweak, listen openly instead of shutting it down. This principle is about teamwork—letting go of stubbornness to find solutions together. It’s especially key for men, as Gottman found women often naturally share influence.

How to apply: Before making a decision, ask, “What do you think?” and weigh their input seriously.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

Tackle fixable issues with teamwork. Not all conflicts are dealbreakers—many, like chores or time management, are solvable with clear communication. Gottman suggests using “soft startups” (gentle approaches) and compromise to address these.

For instance, instead of snapping, “You never clean up!” try, “I’m feeling overwhelmed—can we split the chores?” Focus on listening, avoiding blame, and finding practical solutions. This keeps small issues from snowballing.

How to apply: Identify one solvable problem, discuss it calmly using “I” statements, and agree on a specific plan.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Navigate perpetual issues with understanding. Some problems, like differing values or lifestyles, never fully resolve. Gridlock happens when these issues stall progress. The goal isn’t to “fix” them but to move forward by understanding the deeper dreams behind each stance.

For example, if one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t, gridlock arises. Discuss the underlying hopes—like freedom or family legacy—to find common ground or compromises, like fostering. Dialogue keeps the issue from poisoning the relationship.

How to apply: Pick a gridlocked issue, share the dreams behind your positions, and find small ways to honor both sides.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Build a life with purpose together. Strong marriages go beyond daily routines—they create a shared culture through rituals, goals, and values. This might be a weekly date night, a joint hobby, or a dream like traveling the world.

For instance, cooking a family recipe every Sunday or planning a future home builds a sense of “us.” It’s about crafting a legacy together, whether through kids, community, or personal growth. Shared meaning anchors the marriage through life’s ups and downs.

Read 12 Signs That Your Marriage Is Over

How to apply: Create one shared ritual, like a monthly adventure or a gratitude practice, to strengthen your bond.

Why These Principles Work

These principles succeed because they focus on emotional connection over quick fixes. Gottman’s research shows that couples who practice these habits—especially turning toward each other and nurturing fondness—build a buffer against conflict. They’re not about perfection but consistency, turning small actions into lasting love. Even in tough times, like financial stress or parenting, these principles keep partners aligned.

They also adapt to any stage—newlyweds can build love maps, while long-term couples can tackle gridlock. The key is mutual effort and openness, making these universal for any committed relationship.

Practical Tips for Applying the Principles

Here’s how to weave these 7 principles into your marriage:

• Start small: Pick one principle, like turning toward, and practice it for a week.
• Communicate openly: Use “I feel” statements to share needs without blame.
• Schedule time: Set aside 10 minutes daily to connect, like chatting over coffee.
• Reflect together: Monthly, discuss what’s working or needs tweaking in your dynamic.
• Seek support: If gridlock persists, try a couples’ workshop or therapist for guidance.

These steps make the principles actionable, turning theory into habits that strengthen your bond.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Don’t expect instant results—building these habits takes time. Avoid blaming your partner if progress is slow; focus on your own efforts. Don’t ignore gridlocked issues, as they fester without dialogue. Also, steer clear of defensiveness during conflicts—listen instead of shutting down. Lastly, don’t let busy schedules derail connection; even five minutes of attention counts.

Tailoring to Your Marriage

Every couple is unique, so adapt these principles to your dynamic. If you’re long-distance, focus on love maps through video calls. For busy parents, prioritize quick turn-toward moments, like a shared laugh. If you’re navigating cultural differences, lean into shared meaning by blending traditions. Adjust based on your life stage and challenges for maximum impact.

Read Things to Discuss Before Marriage

Key Takeaways

The 7 principles for making marriage work—enhancing love maps, nurturing fondness, turning toward each other, letting your partner influence you, solving solvable problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning—offer a research-backed blueprint for a thriving marriage. By fostering emotional connection and teamwork, they help couples weather challenges and build a lasting bond. Apply them with small, consistent steps, avoid common pitfalls, and tailor them to your unique relationship. With these principles, you’re not just surviving marriage—you’re making it stronger, day by day.