50 Funny Reasons to Get Divorced

These are not serious reasons to get divorced. They are, however, the kinds of things that real married couples argue about with alarming regularity — which is either comforting (you are normal) or mildly alarming (you are all normal). Read these in the spirit they are intended: as a reminder that most of the things we argue about in marriage are funny, and most of the things we fight about in the small hours are not worth fighting about.

Nobody ends a marriage over the toothpaste tube. But if they did, the defendant would absolutely have known exactly what they were doing.

Kitchen and Food Crimes

1. He eats the last of something and puts the empty container back in the fridge, apparently as a memorial.
2. She loads the dishwasher in a pattern that defies both physics and common sense, yet refuses to acknowledge the existence of an alternative.
3. He puts the spoon in the wrong drawer every single time, for ten years, as though the drawer situation is new information.
4. She insists on reorganizing the entire refrigerator after every grocery run in a way that makes it impossible to find anything for three days.
5. He breathes extremely loudly while eating chips and acts as though this is not audible from adjacent rooms.
6. She says “I’m not really hungry” and then eats most of your food.
7. He uses the last of the butter and leaves the wrapper on the counter to decompose naturally.
8. She has a strong opinion about the correct way to cut a sandwich. She is wrong, but she is extremely confident.
9. He asks “what do you want for dinner?” every single night and then vetoes every answer.
10. She drinks the last of the coffee and starts a new pot that somehow produces one cup before catastrophically failing.

Bathroom Disagreements

11. He leaves the toilet seat up. This is a classic and it remains a classic because it is genuinely inexplicable.
12. She leaves approximately forty different products in the shower that serve purposes that remain unclear to anyone outside their user.
13. He squeezes the toothpaste from the middle and does not appear to feel any guilt about this.
14. She uses all the hot water before anyone else has had a chance to make peace with the morning.
15. He hangs the toilet roll the wrong way. There is a correct way. He knows. He chooses not to.
16. She leaves hair removal devices around the bathroom in locations that create unnecessary surprise.
17. He leaves the bathroom light on every single time, over ten years, because apparently learning is optional.
18. She borrows “just a little bit” of his shampoo and then denies using it while his bottle demonstrably depletes.

Sleep and Bedroom Offenses

19. He snores at a volume that has been compared favorably to construction equipment.
20. She takes the entire duvet and leaves behind exactly enough to technically not be alone in the cold.
21. He runs a fan at night at a speed appropriate for industrial ventilation; she is wearing a sweater.
22. She sets three alarms, none of which she wakes up for, all of which the other person hears.
23. He sleeps through his own alarm but wakes up immediately at any sound she makes.
24. She talks in her sleep and occasionally gives instructions that become the subject of marital debate the next morning.
25. He wants to watch “just one more episode” at 11 PM on a Tuesday.

Temperature and Environment

26. She is always cold. He is always warm. This is not a solvable problem and they both know it.
27. He adjusts the thermostat in increments of one degree in what has become a decade-long covert operation.
28. She opens the window. He closes the window. This exchange occurs four times in a morning.
29. He leaves every light on in every room as he moves through the house like a very expensive lamp.
30. She adds so many throw pillows to the bed that the bed is now primarily a pillow storage facility.

Remote Control and Technology

31. He holds the remote like a weapon and surfs channels at a speed that makes content selection statistically impossible.
32. She changes the TV sound settings to something that makes sports incomprehensible and then denies having changed anything.
33. He explains technology to her in a way that has never been requested and is rarely accurate.
34. She watches ahead in a shared show. She is not sorry.
35. He pauses the movie to go to the bathroom at the most important moment in the film without telling anyone the movie will be paused.

Shopping, Spending, and Life Admin

36. She buys things on sale that were not needed at any price.
37. He orders twelve of something online in case one isn’t quite right and returns eleven of them over the course of six weeks.
38. She asks for his opinion on a purchase and then proceeds with what she was going to do anyway.
39. He is incapable of making a grocery list shorter than what is technically required by the actual shopping.
40. She says “we don’t need to buy that” for something he needs and then borrows it from him three days later.

Communication and Relationship Classics

41. He answers “fine” to every question about how he is doing, including when he is clearly not fine.
42. She says “nothing is wrong” in a tone that clearly indicates things are not fine.
43. He starts telling a story and loses the point of the story around 40% of the way through.
44. She finishes his stories for him because she has heard them all and can do it faster.
45. He does not read the group chat and then asks what happened.
46. She tells the same story to the same people because she is not sure she has told it before, but she has.

The Truly Petty

47. He has a method of folding laundry that she cannot look at directly.
48. She reorganizes things he was “definitely about to deal with.”
49. He says “I’ll do it later” and means it in geological time.
50. She keeps “just a few” things in “just a small” additional closet until there is nothing left of the original closet.

If any of these hit uncomfortably close to home, congratulations: you have a normal marriage. For the genuinely serious side of this, 100 reasons why marriage is a bad idea takes a harder look, and 100 reasons to stay married offers the counterargument.